CONFLICTS OF INTEREST

By Paul Snake Tabbee

When me and my most recent better half had gotten together, and had set
up our little homestead together, I'd noticed a conflict of interests
right from the git-go. In short, it just didn't seem that she shared the
same passions in life that I did. That being fishin' and prospectin',
just to name a couple... She always complained about the smell whenever
I had a good day on the creek and brought in a fresh batch of brookies
from off the mountain. Made my clothes and everything else stink she
said. Now, she had no problem with eatin' those tasty little buggers,
but you shoulda heard her whine and moan each time I'd throw those
'stinkin' bastards' in HER sink to get 'em cleaned up. And, she'd also
whine and moan each time I'd load up my gear to go out treasure huntin''
She'd always ask me why I wasted so much time and money to go out and
hunt for gold. She'd tell me each time I'd head out, "There ain't no
gold on that mountain!!!"

Sheesh......Women!!!

Well, wasn't much longer before her curiosity got the best of her. I was
loadin' up the truck one day for another of my expeditions, and she got
to naggin'... I wanna see what you've been up to.. I wanna see what this
fuss is about.. Why don't you take me with you??.. And on and on, until,
reluctantly, I agreed... We took a little drive up on the mountain until
we found this spot that looked promisin' for both fish and color. First
on the agenda was to get something to eat, so, I grabbed up on the
fishin pole and commenced to doin' my 'thing'. Wasn't much long
afterward, I'd laid into this real nice brooky!! I mean, he was sure
puttin the stress to both rod and reel now. The battle was on, and it
seemed to go on forever; talk about your epic struggle between man and
nature... Well, nature won out this time. The large wily brooky
maneuvered himself into the swift current, and the strain was more than
my line could bear... and, SNAP!!.. I throwed down the pole and started
cussin' to beat all hell. The missus gave me this funny look and says,
"You know how stupid that looks??.. I don't understand why you guys get
so mad about loosing a stupid fish.." I gave her a dirty look as I tied
on another hook to my line. "This is the first time you've ever been
fishin', ain't it??", I asked her. She nodded yes. I told her that she'd
never understand the emotions behind such a heart shatterin' moment
until it happened to her. And upon that, she wanted to try it out
herself... Wasn't even a minute until she experienced the thrill of
hookin' a fish for herself. She was screamin and dancin and pumped full
of adrenaline now. But she still had one of life's lessons yet to learn,
for the second fish she'd hooked was a MONSTER!!! That fish pole was
horseshoed!! And she was fightin' him every step of the way!! I provided
proper moral support for her, not wanting her to loose this magnificent
specimen of a trout. After what had seemed like hours of struggle, she
finally got the fish close by the bank. That's where she made a big
mistake... She tried to pull this MONSTER up on the bank with the
fishin' pole!!! Well, the line broke again, but, I did have the fish in
my shakin' hands. It was quite the wrastlin' match, and in the end, I
lost again.. He swam through the the shallows by the creek bank, and
after a number of futile attempts to grab hold of the slimy bastard, he
found deeper water and was gone... Now this fish was very, very large;
the likes of which I'd never seen... Any white man would've been proud
to have had him stuffed and displayed up on the wall.. he was BIG!! The
ol' lady's eyes welled up with tears and she threw down the fish pole,
stomped it in little peices, and was cussin' far worst than I'd ever
heard in my life.. I give her this funny look and asked her, "you know
how stupid that looks??..."

She wanted to carve out my liver...

Now that we didn't have a fish pole no more, we needed another form of
recreation. I dug out a shovel and a gold pan. There was a culvert close
by that I wanted to clean out and pan 'cause them things act like a
fixed gold trap. I waded up inside this culvert and started cleanin out
the materials that'd collected up between the ridges. The water was
colder than a mother-in-laws kiss, now.. freezin!! After fillin' up a
five gallon bucket full of sand, I started to pannin'. When I got the
first pan full broken down, this nice pretty yellow color could easily
be seen glowin' from the bottom of my gold pan. I showed the ol' lady
and she smiled & nodded her approvel. Then, she wanted to give it a try
herself. So I showed her the procedure and she proved to be a natural at
it. For in the first pan full that she did, a few small nuggets had
revealed themselves.. pretty little things!! But not enough to retire
on... She was bit HARD now, and I couldn't get my pan back from her. She
was urgently sloshin' sand & water around for the rest of that day in
that freeezin' creek. It was so cold that her hands started to turn this
funky shade of purple, and NOTHIN' was about to shut her down. She'd
gotten lucky with that first pan load, because all she could show for
her labors afterwards that day, was only two more small nuggets. Pretty,
but not big enough to even buy us dinner out on the town. The sun began
to set on us by now, and the ol' lady was still in the creek; water and
sand was still flyin' everywhere. I started up a little fire and cooked
up some supper. We only had one fish between us, but lucky for me, I'd
grabbed some taters and a can of corn beef. After dinner was cooked, I
hollered at her to come and eat. "Can't" she says, "I'm Busy!!".. I had
to literally drag her out of that creek to go home!!! She kicked and
squealed, "But the gold..." she screams... I says, " Whataya mean
gold?.. There ain't no gold on this mountain!!"...
And then she screams, "THE HELL THERE AIN"T!!!!"

You know?? That woman never shared my passion for fine whiskey either...

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